Kandy Muse is feeling like a contender for the crown after winning last week’s episode and $30,000. “That’s a lot of chicken tenders,” she clucks. Kahanna Montrese survived last week but sees her chances slipping away. “The bottoms are getting to me,” she complains, an oft-heard lament at Barrack’s.
Everyone now has a win except LaLa Ri and Alexis Michelle. Everyone is feeling the pressure not to be in the bottom lest they be voted off. “The only way to stay safe is to win,” notes Jimbo. I agree: losing is seldom a successful winning strategy!
It’s a new day in the werkroom. LaLa has a fire lit inside of her. (There’s an ointment for that.) Ru announces that this week’s maxi challenge is to improv in a new Ru-crime series, “Forensic Queens.” The episode is entitled “Wha-ha-happened to Lil’ Poundcake,” the drag puppet daughter of Alaska Thunderf*ck and Lineysha Sparx from season 5. They will choose whether to portray detectives, suspects, eyewitnesses etc.
Kahanna is depressed before the role choices even begin because she has not performed well in acting challenges. Kandy is again fighting for a role she wants, this time at the expense of Alexis. Alexis gives in, overcome with emotion by her own largesse (not large ass). Kandy’s not having it: “Dramatics. I cannot.”
All of this has gotten to Kahanna, who is prepared to quit and go home a lá Heidi N Closet. Ru gets wind of this and gathers the queens in the werkroom to “straighten shit out.” The main lesson: “Feelings are not facts. Don’t let them sabotage your bigger picture.” Ru adds, “This is supposed to be a fun experience.” The vibe is definitely not fun! Kahanna opts to stay and fight it out.
It’s time for the Lil’ Poundcake episode. In flashbacks, she is seen entering the werkroom as a competing queen only to quickly disappear. (No, I’m not talking about Monica Beverly Hillz.). Suspects include two fellow competitors, Ura Dragg (Jessica Wild) and Imma Fox (Kahanna). LaLa is Shari Coleman, short for Sharisha but “the sha is silent.” (Meme alert.). She’s the security guard on set. Kandy is Anita Clew, a detective, and Alexis is Effie Lee Bailey, the inspector, who hails from Flatbush: “After a night with me, every bush was flattened.” Jimbo is the forensic scientist Eva Dentz, possessed of a well-used stink finger. Whodundunit, you ask? It’s Shari the security guard, found out by fibers released when she tore Lil’ Poundcake from limb to limb. Overall, it’s very silly and funny and the queens all do a fine job with their improv.
On the runway, the category is “Miss Fill-in-the-Blank.” First up is Jessica as Miss Sausage Party (you’re a wiener, baby!). The look is very Oscar Meyer de la Renta and is the “absolute wurst.” She is followed by Miss Tired Ass Showgirl (Kahanna), Miss Arrogant (Kandy), Miss Manpig (Alexis in a jockstrap gown), Miss Bootlegger (LaLa) and Miss Tits McGee (Jimbo with z-cup sized knockers).
The winner is LaLa Ri, who really needed a win and got a well-deserved one. Jessica, Jimbo and Kandy are safe, leaving Alexis and, once again, Kahanna in the bottom. LaLa lip syncs against assassin Jorgeous. (When I think of Jorgeous, I think “ass ass in!”) They perform Lizzo’s “About Damn Time,” with LaLa easily taking the win. She chooses to send home Kahanna, which bugged me. Kahanna had really stepped up (Michelle Visage called her Kahanna 2.0), LaLa clearly had great affection for her black sister, and Alexis was the bigger threat for the crown and should have been picked off. (Oh, the main reason: Kahanna is sexy AF!) But clearly things were going downhill for Kahanna after her episode 1 win. Bye girl. I’m here for you. (Contact Gay Desert Guide.)
So that’s it: five queens hoping to get into the top four. Who will be next to go? Who will win? Stay tuned and find out! And thanks to my pal Terry for his delicious Ru-barb cookies. Happy Pride everyone!
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