After last week’s double save on account of Heidi N Closet’s self elimination, seven queens are back to slay. Jessica Wild, for one, does not want to be in the bottom again—“at least not here!” Kahanna Montrese would have gone home last week based on a 5-1 vote, so the writing is on the wall (along with her phone number). Dialing now.
Jimbo is embarrassed for her weak lip sync last week following her great Snatch Game and ultimate win. She says that she chokes every time she’s on the lip sync stage. Well, cough up that fur ball and do a death drop (even if it kills you). Good television. (Yikes, dialing? Television? What century is this again?) Our peacekeeper and ambassador of love, the Honorable Kandaleeza Muse, hopes that Heidi “didn’t plant any seeds that will grow as the season moves forward.” Oh, seeds were planted, watered, fertilized and ready to bloom!
It’s a new day and the werkroom is decorated with portraits of two great Hollywood stars: Joan Crawford and Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford. (Really, who can tell them apart anymore?). This week’s maxi challenge will be to perform in JOAN! The Unauthorized Rusical. Each queen will play Joan at a different stage in her career. Kandy and Jessica haggle over the role of No More Wire Hangers Joan, with Kandy winning an audition to nab the role.
The happy outcome of this is that Jessica gets to play Get Me the Axe Joan, which keeps coming out during vocals as Get Me the Ass. (I’m trying to train my dog to do that.) LaLa Ri notes that if she was a singer, she’d be Milli Vanilli, the true queen of lip syncing! Then it’s on to choreo with Hairspray director Adam Shankman. Jaymes Mansfield is having a time of it. As Alexis Michelle puts it, “When it comes to Jaymes and dancing, they don’t know each other.”
Ru enters the main stage in Greek Goddess Realness to start the Rusical. Kahanna is young 1920s Joan at the peak of her beauty when she still was Lucille LeSueur. Jaymes is Joan when she adopts Christina in a bad case of buyer’s remorse. Kandy performs to “no more wire hangers” and Jessica to “bring me the axe,” chopping the blooms off some unfortunate rose bushes.
LaLa is Mildred Pierce (which nicely rhymes with f*cking fierce), clutching her Best Actress Oscar. Alexis sings and dances in a hoedown, reminding us “not to f*ck with me fellas” because “this ain’t my first rodeo.” Finally, Jimbo is Late Joan, the “Hollywood Hag Superstar,” who wheels herself in directly from the set of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. Given Jimbo’s star turn as Shirley Temple last week, she’d have made a great Baby Jane.
On the runway, the category is Night of a 1000 Grace Joneses. It’s also a night of a 1000 Joanses! My fave comments were directed at LaLa, whose look may have been purchased at Smart and Vinyl, and Alexis for her hat—“the lampshade of it all.” Jimbo stuns in her first sexy runway in a black strapped dress. That clown has a sweet physique!
Alexis, Jimbo, Jessica and LaLa are all declared safe. Kandy takes the win, leaving Jaymes and Kahanna (yet again) in the bottom. The lip sync assassin this week is Angeria Paris VanMichaels from season 14. She and Kandy perform to “I’m Not Perfect But I’m Perfect For You” by Grace Jones. Kandy wins the lip sync and a cash tip of $30,000. The tip has been increasing because Jimbo keeps losing the lip sync.
The implication of this is revealed when Kandy sends home Jaymes, who performed very well, over Kahanna. Jaymes is “gooped, gagged and gobsmacked” along with everyone else. But she understands it’s a game and it was smart of Kandy to send home the better competitor. Kahanna is hanging on by a thread, knowing the queens likely voted to send her home had Angeria won the lip sync.
The Rusical was great fun and the outcome, although tough for Jaymes, was sensible strategy by Kandy. Why not send home the top competition? I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often. This is Jimbo’s worst fear if he winds up in the bottom. Bottoms beware! Happy Pride Month everybody!
