Following last week’s lip sync rematch between Jaida Essence Hall and Trinity the Tuck, Jaida is now a three-star bitch. She prophesied that she’d be the first to reach that milestone. It sometimes pays to be delusional, she observes. Trinity would have three stars if she hadn’t been blocked by Shea Couleé. Shea responds, “That was so week one. We’ve grown past that.” Trinity: “Have we?”
The one star queens, Shea and Monét X Change, realize there are four challenges left to pick up stars. Shea can read the quadratic equation on the wall: those numbers don’t look good! Monét notes that she’s one of the fiercest bitches in the bunch and that it all doesn’t add up. Bring me the abacus!
In the werkroom, Ru announces that it’s the most wonderful time of the year. “Halloween!” cheers Raja. No, it’s Christmas! For the maxi challenge, the queens will appear in the soon-to-be cult classic “Santa’s School for Girls.” It’s part Xmas movie, part horror movie and part Mean Girls. Ru says the idea came to him in an ayahuasca dream. Let’s all go on a retreat with Ru!
Casting falls to Trinity, who wants to give everyone their preferred part. It’s all smooth until Jinkx and Monét want the same part. They decide to have an audition, which Monét wins by virtue of her alliance with Trinity. Jinkx doesn’t get any of her preferred parts. She’s too much of a threat. The casting couch is closed.
The queens act out their parts in front of Ru and extra special guest judge and director Janicza Bravo. Viv is the arch headmistress Nut-Megan Kelly. She’s a mix of Joan Crawford by way of Faye Dunaway. Shea is Noelle, the new girl. “Noelle, please. Please, Noelle!’ pleads Viv. The Nice Girls — Mary, Holly and Joy — are played by Yvie Oddly, Trinity and Jinkx. Monét is the cool teacher Miss Toe. I suspect it was meant to be Miss L. Toe, but Monét says her first name is Camel. The Naughty Girls are Jaida as Hannah the nerd and Raja as the goth Scrooge (“It’s short for Lisa”). Scrooge tells us she was giving her boyfriend a frosty. Oh come all ye faithful!
On Runway Day, it’s RuPaul’s Best Friends Race. Everyone loves each other and the praise is flowing. On the runway, the category is “Knit-ty Knit-ty Bang Bang.” All I remember about knitting is knit one, purl Bailey. Viv enters first in a pearl knit couture robe/gown with a train; Shea wears a patterned lap blanket; Yvie is serving yellow Muppet; Jinkx is Marlene Dietrich in gold wide-knit chainmail; Trinity is sporting an infinite lavender scarf; Monét is a bad bitch from kindergarten wearing a puffy parka and poo poo booty shorts; Jaida comes equipped with cable (knit) and is serving “The Big Comfy Couch”; and Raja is Knit-a-Rella in a stunning futuristic gold look that is part ancient weave. Ru declares it “to die for.” I thought all the looks were fabulous.
We then have a screening of “Santa’s School for Girls.” There’s been a string of murders. There’s an ax murderer afoot! It’s Santa! He’s killed Miss Toe! Trinity calls for help: “What’s the number for 911?” Santa is revealed to be none other than headmistress Nut-Megan Kelly. Christina, bring me my ax!
Judge Michelle Visage loves Viv’s look and performance. Ross Mathews is loving Trinity and Janicza is taken with Raja. After they are silenced, Ru declares Viv and Raja as the top two, with each receiving a star. They lip sync to “Super Freak” by Rick James. Viv had some hits (licking Raja’s armpit) and misses (she slipped and recovered from a fall). It was a fun performance but Raja nabs the win. Using the plunger as a divining rod, Raja is led to Jaida, who will be blocked next week.
So according to my Lotus 1-2-3 spreadsheet and Casio calculator, Viv and Jaida lead with 3 stars; Jinkx, Raja, Trinity and Yvie have two; and Monét and Shea have the most ground to make up at one star apiece. Next week we have a viral dance challenge. So the clock TikTok’s away til Friday. Til then, Happy Fourth of July!
Photo credits: Paramount+