The wuvly Wiwwo Piww (aka Willow Pill) is fresh off her Fashion Ball victory last week and is feeling some kind of way (good!). My girl Jasmine Kennedie is feeling another kind of way (bad!) and can’t stop talking about it. She wanted to win a Ball! Wah!
Kornbread is NOT having it. Jasmine talks (a lot) but doesn’t converse. Kerri Colby says she “has to learn to be quiet.” Bosco, quoting Trixie Mattel, sums it up best: “That’s a lot of emotion for safe.” And just like that, Jasmine is the unpopular girl, as we shall see.
The maxi challenge this week is called “The Art of the Tease.” The queens, divided into two teams, will come up with attention-grabbing super teasers for Season 14 that highlight iconic moments of drama, glamor and shade. And the runway theme will be “Night of a Thousand JLo’s.” (Can it be?)
Willow and Maddy Morphosis (winner of last week’s lip sync) are named team captains and select their queens. Willow chooses Kornbread, Lady Camden, Bosco, Kerri and Jorgeous. Maddy, a bit less scrupulous (translation: straight), chooses DeJa Skye, Daya Betty, Angeria Paris VanMicheals, Alyssa Hunter and Orion Story. No one chooses poor Jasmine (warning: 7th grade PE trigger!) so she gets to choose her team and joins Willow’s.
Kornbread and Jasmine continue to bicker. Kerri is laser focused on being pretty. Bosco is demonstrating his “post-verbal baby slut” persona with “a body like peeled string cheese.” Alyssa’s ideas are going nowhere. Willow is channeling “The Bitchelor” from All Stars Season 3, looking for a chance at love, Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman, and the daily meal voucher she was promised.
In the werkroom, we discover that when Alyssa Hunter came out to her dad in her teens, her dad came out to her. Kerri notes that Alyssa has a nice package, which she couldn’t help but notice as a bird-watcher. Tweet! The siren goes off, sending the queens into a deranged frenzy, and beaming in on the magic screen is none other than….. JLo! She pitches her new movie and tells the queens, “Let’s get loud!” I only wished she would have been a judge!
The highlight of the Night of a Thousand JLo’s runway is Kerri wearing JLo’s actual famous green Versace dress, which has its own Wikipedia page: Green Versace Dress of Jennifer Lopez. (You can find me under Torn Blue Flannel Shirt of Dante Noto.) On the other hand, Willow chose a 1998 Grammy’s look because it was “kind of ugly.” In the critiques, extra special guest judge Loni Love reads Kornbread for excess reliance on food and fat jokes. Crying and healing ensues. And Kerri is clocked for her focus on being pretty.
Continuing last week’s gorge puns, we get Gorge Orwell, Gorge Takei, Gorge of the Jungle and Gorge RR Martin from Ru and Michelle. The hilarious Ross Mathews suggests that Alyssa Hunter is no George Clooney in the acting department, but is Gorge Loony. Loni replies, “You tried,” and Ru says, “When we need the trap door it’s never there!” I’d say overall that all the queens were Phyllis Day Gorge.
The winner of the maxi challenge is the fabulous and fun Angeria Paris VanMicheals, who’s looking like the queen to beat for the crown. In the bottom are Kerri Colby and Alyssa Hunter, who lip sync to JLo’s “Play.” Kerri would seem to have the advantage of looking EXACTLY like JLo, and she wins, sending Alyssa home to Puerto Rico (no gold candy bar save for her).
Until next week, put on your kitten heels, live out loud and go out and support our local gay businesses!