Your trusty cub reporter has awakened from his hibernation just in time for the premiere episode of season 14 of Drag Race! I’m gagged to get the opportunity again to report on this season’s crop of talent and get them fresh to market in Gay Desert Guide!!

First out of the gate: Alyssa Hunter, a Puerto Rican pageant queen and superstar. She’s followed by Bosco (“Let’s get out there and make a difference today!). She wants us to know she’s not just a skanky alt girl from Seattle, but THE skanky alt girl. Hey, she has done “Sylvia Plath spoken word numbers.” That’s alt, folks. 

Kornbread “The Snack” Jeté asks the question, “Is you hungry cuz bitch I’m baked,” so the bakery is officially opened. She is then followed by the next contestant—another snack, Willow Pill. “Where am I?,” she asks. She’s an “adorably twisted little doll” wearing platform flip-flops and a t-shirt telling us she’s an angle. (😇 not 🔺.) Ru will call her Wiwwo Pill (as in Jagged) because she’s wiwwo. 

Fifth out is Kerri Colby, “your new viral obsession.” (Sorry, Omicron:  you were no Delta Werk.) She’s wearing the transgender flag colors and tells us she’s the drag daughter of Sasha Colby, a Miss Continental winner. First look assessment:  gorge. Willow’s in awe. 

She’s followed by June Jambalaya, who’s what you’d get if “Megan Thee Stallion and Phaedra Parks had a baby.” Kornbread warns us that June’s a label whore (she’s wearing an Emilio Pucci jumpsuit). They declare themselves Team Chunky, “thicker than a Snicker” and “more curves than a racetrack.” 

We meet our seventh and final queen of this split premiere, Orion Story. She is “Western Michigan’s premier fembot,” hailing from Grand Rapids.  (A certain Gay Desert Guide and KGAY radio station owner might have something to say about that!) 

In the mini-challenge, the queens are bound to a spinning Wheel of Fortune by the Pit Crew and photographed. Kerri wins. For the maxi-challenge, each queen will perform in the Courage, Nerve and Talent Show (the CNTs — the only thing missing is U). 

Ru enters the main stage werking his new song, Catwalk, in a jolting change of format. I’m shook.  The extra special guest judge is Lizzo.  In order of talent show performance:  June does an African dance with her headband fallen over her eyes; Bosco strips naked; Alyssa rocks out; Kerri jumps rope; Orion channels a fitness instructor (she should have changed the channel); Kornbread slays with her own rap song; and Willow takes an Enya-infused performance art bath with spaghetti & meatballs and a toaster.  

After the runway (theme:  Signature Showstopping Drag) and judges’ critiques (Ru: “If you want to win, take our notes”), Kornbread is declared the winner. Ru is exceptionally taken with Willow Pill, who is safe along with Kerri and Bosco (looking strong) and Alyssa (not). Count me as a Willow stan too!

The bottom two are June Jambalaya and Orion Story, who face off in a lip sync to Lizzo’s “Water Me.” Alas, Western Michigan’s premier fembot and first-ever Drag Race queen is sent home. 🥲 Orion joins such legendary first-eliminated queens as Shangela, Dahlia Sin, Miss Vanjie and the original Victoria “Porkchop” Parker, so I expect good things from him! 

Next week we meet seven new queens. Ru’s piling on the talent: Lizzo was a goddess tonight and Alicia Keys shows up next week. I’ll be there! And congrats to Ross Mathews on announcing his engagement! We ❤️ Ross!  Tune in on Saturday mornings for his KGAY show. Byeee!